It’s a mystery!

I just love BBC television’s production - “University Challenge”. I’ve been a fan for many a year. I’m so old, I can remember Bamber Gascoigne presenting it on ITV. (Completely unrelated to that Sassenach footballer from Newcastle.)

The latest series is currently running on BBC Two, with Jeremy Paxman, the ex-BBC Newsnight inquisitor, in the interrogator’s chair. His hard teak veneer, only very occasionally giving way to uncontrolled bouts of laughter. Often at the expense of the team with a significant, negative points score.

I try my very hardest, every week, to answer some of the myriads of questions asked. If the truth be told, I never seem to manage to get any of the starter questions. My wee brain is just not quick enough, sharp enough or expansive enough, for that matter. Anyway, my all time record so far this season, is a mighty 6 correct questions. Pretty pathetic really! But nevertheless, a score I proudly posted on social media. I was very quickly and rightly trolled.

Watching programmes like “University Challenge”, you soon realise that there are so many extremely intelligent people out there. Just how do these bright young things, squeeze so much grey matter into their BIG noggins’? I’d guess none of them are fans of “Big Brother” or “Love Island”.

Some of the questions being asked by Paxman are just impossible to answer, even if you did have time to cheat and use your smart phone. Yet “Goldman-Sachs” from University College Genius, presses his button before the “Starter for 10” question has even been completed! He answers correctly with “Technetium” and his team then get the chance to answer the three bonus questions. Now I have a chance and some time, to at least engage my brain, without the distraction of 8 brain-boxes trying to buzz-in.

Each week, I immediately switch over to BBC Two, when my Sky box reminds me that the programme is about to start. I’m full of enthusiasm and gusto. Hoping that one, just one of the subjects chosen might relate directly to me. Alas, the last two week’s shows have seen me return “Nil points”. Clearly, I’ll have to look back at my secondary and third level qualification results, to actually confirm if my grades were in fact correct. Sometimes, I don’t even understand the questions being barked out by Paxman!

There’s no mystery as to why these competition quizzers are so intelligent. They undoubtedly work extremely hard at their study. They’ll be natural learners and probably have an innate ability to retain all that they read and research. Their Universities, it could be argued, unrivalled within the UK. Each furnishing four of their brightest, brainiest, brilliant students, as contestants.

This programme is called “University Challenge” for a reason. It is the Victorious University, which is perceived to be the highest seat of learning. The pinnacle, peak, zenith of further education. It is a place to which you aspire to go to. Learning from the very best, in whichever field you choose to study. Be that English, History, Engineering, Astrophysics and so on.

The opportunities are limitless and the choice of outstanding Universities is extensive – unless of course if you live in Waterford!

Last week I took my daughter back to University of Limerick, to complete her fourth and final year. I have no doubt she’ll do extremely well. Achieving good final grades and proceeding, then, to complete a Masters. For the last three years, she has travelled wearily up and down Ireland’s worst trunk route, the N24, to get to her seat of learning.

She, like circa 14,000 others, she loves UL and all that is offers. There’s something about a University Campus that whets your creative juices. It does exactly what is says on the tin and your degree will be so much the better, having attend the “Real Deal!” Just ask Thomas Barr or Mary Lou McDonald or Paul O’Connell.

It’s been a mystery to me, since immigrating to Waterford in 2001, as to why we’re willing to accept anything less than a completely bona fide, University status, for this City. Incomprehensible, unfathomable and inconceivable, are just some words that spring to mind.

Geography Matters!

As my Number One son returns to school for the last year of his secondary education, I started thinking about my own school days at Bell Baxter High, in Cupar, Scotland. From memory, a mixed school of around 1500 pupils and with a catchment area, covering the North East, of the County of Fife. Despite some age related memory lapses, I can still recall some wonderful cherished moments. In particular, meeting new teachers, during my six year progression through this large, co-educational establishment.

It’s scarcely credible, the calibre of those teachers I remembered so warmly. Often individuals who belted me, to their apparently frequent timetable, or those who’d sprung a surprise introduction, on my first day of class.

One such teacher was Mr Brown, aka “Ecky Broon” (Scottish diminutive of Alex), as the kids liked called him. He was my geography teacher, in years 4 and 5. Now Ecky, had a terribly squeaky and pronounced, even Scottish dialect. A whole new vocabulary, to be learnt by his pupils.

Officially I am David Michael George Garland. Dad was also a David and therefore Michael was picked to avoid any confusion. To this day, I can still entertain people as to why Mum insisted on this specific four-barrel combination. Mum and Dad were also teachers, of some note, at schools throughout Fife. My Dad spent several years at Bell Baxter, as a visiting teacher of PE, with strict but fair disciplinary standards. Little did I know that Dad’s corrective persuasion methods, of MY future educators, would contribute to frequent handshakes with a “Lochgelly Heavy”, the lash....if you get my drift?

First day of Geography, for year 4, with Ecky Broon had arrived. Thirty plus pupils, eager to hear just what lay in store, for the next two years. Roll call started in strict alphabetical order, by surname. We got to the Gs and “Garland” was called out. “Here” was my reply. There was a pause. Mr Broon peered over his rimmed spectacles and squeaked, “I knew a PE teacher called Dave Garland, he taught me here, any relation?” I explained the story that my first initial stood for David and the actual PE teacher he referred to, was in fact my Father. There was a brief pause. Mr Broon smiled and simply said “Ah good, now I know. YOUR Father regularly belted me at PE!” There was a collective sharp intake of breath and momentarily, complete silence in the classroom. He didn’t have to say any more. I was a marked man for the next two years.

Despite this, Ecky Broon became a teacher we would all remember fondly. I grew to love Geography and secured excellent qualifications, for both Ordinary and Higher levels.

So it would appear that geography matters? This is certainly the case where politics are concerned. Just look at Theresa May last week. Jet setting around the world, trying with all her might and a great deal of spin, pretending that she is forging trade deals for the post Brexit apocalypse.

Africa was the very latest pit stop. The UK has built approximately 55 billion worth of trade annually, with the huge continent. To put this into perspective, it’s about the very same volume that the UK currently has with Spain! With ALL the will in the world, the mighty land mass that is Africa, will not fill the Brexit void, even if trade levels double. May and her political pack would have people believe that; “Yes, we can fill the hole in a Polo mint!”

Closer to home, we see geography playing its part in our day to day lives. Dublin is booming and this may well overheat our economy – ONCE AGAIN! Cork, Galway and Limerick are also forging ahead. Yet, ALL the other regions are struggling, including the South East.

Our political glitterati are ignoring these troubled areas. They’re adept at burying their heads in the sand. Spinning us that old yarn, that if the capital does well, the whole country will benefit. It would seem that we are Ireland’s Africa? A very small, inconsequential piece of an economic jigsaw.

Our politicians sally up the M9, you have to wonder what they’re bringing back?

“Rose-tinted glasses” - for one and all.

Oh no, here we go again! It’s like we are on a roundabout, that’s spinning far too fast and we just cannot escape. We desperately want to jump off, before the next sick inducing rotation, as we are feeling queasy! Bully-Boy Harris however, is keeping us on, turning us faster and faster, just to see us suffer a wee bit more. Of course I am talking about the news, that we’ve another mobile lab, or not so mobile lab, or static lab, or modular lab, at University Hospital Waterford (UHW).

It’s hard to know just what it is we have been given. Even our three TDs, are befuddled as to what exactly has arrived at UHW. (Deasy, our missing fourth TD, is of course maintaining his radio silence.) The others, blame the “Information” they have been given by senior civil servants. Something about having to believe at “Face value”, the content of the memo, the letter, the text message or the email they’ve received.

Besides, why would there be any need to question the detail? We’ve never needed to mistrust a report’s specifics about Waterford, have we? Previous reports and shameless machinations gave glorious testament to our medical needs. Absolutely no stone was left unturned, to provide our citizens the fair delivery basic medical interventions in the future. Ireland, fairly and proportionately, sharing the medical Honey Pot, throughout the whole country - hmmm!

Then we find out that there may well be another report? A top secret report, which has been concealed well away from Waterford citizens’ enquiring and questioning eyes. Like so many others, I have lost the will to live, counting the number of reports at this stage. We now know that potentially, there is a favourable account out there, somewhere in the “Twilight Zone”. “Hooray”, I hear you all cry! We’ve found our Dead Sea Scrolls. Overwhelming evidence stating our irrefutable case for increased catheterization laboratory facilities at UHW. Well what a surprise, a sympathetic testimony, aligning all our ducks. Can this really be true?

Yet, our “Famous Four” are pleading the Fifth Amendment on this. There appears to be no acknowledgement or recognition, that such proof is out there. We have to ask why? Why can others find this information and yet those elected to represent us cannot? Are they basically looking in the wrong place? Are they being misdirected by those in power? Or are they simply following the wrong trail of breadcrumbs and inevitably ending up at “The Witch’s House”?

It is astonishing to see the TDs of our neighbouring counties delivering time and time again. Wexford have a lovely, sparkling new Garda station. Incidentally, one big enough to run the whole South East region. Kilkenny is positioning itself to be the administration hub of the TUSE and if JPP has his way this will happen in the next Government. It may already be a behind closed doors done deal!

Then we’ve to ask why, the ENTIRE South East is quite clearly not 100% behind the whole 24/7 campaign, for UHW. Maybe there are clandestine agreements already in place, to provide expanded hospital services out of Wexford and Kilkenny? I wouldn’t put it beyond the representatives in these constituencies, to have “Bartered a better deal!”, with Leo, Harris and Co. The only people who could actually find this out, are our own three amigos. But will they?

So once again, we’re left grasping at straws. We are hearing plenty of airwave apologies and reassurances, that the work is being done on our behalf. We are being told ad nauseam, that emails and phone calls are being made to X, Y and Z. Yet these elusive people of power, never ever seem to be available to talk to our TDs. That’s a strange one! I wonder if our neighbouring FG, FF, SF and Independents have such problems?

Just where do we go from here? Surely, at the most basic of levels, we need our TDs to dig much deeper for us? They need to be like Terriers with a bone, snapping aggressively at the heels of every single, significant civil servant.

“No comment” is now never acceptable.

“1 in 4 - doth butter no parsnips!”

Despite the Summer recess, the world of Irish politics continues to turn ever so slowly. Our representatives are on a well deserved break, from their daily grind. However, continuing to fester away in the background, are our National problems associated with housing, hospital waiting list, homelessness and so on. Maddening us at every turn of our newspaper pages or swiping left, on our smart phones. These topics are now ever present in our conversations around the dinner table and of course, across social media. 

TDs taking their annual sojourn, tell us that they “Need Time off” to recharge their batteries and many disappear from the radar altogether. In truth, they are never really too far away from an opportunity to grab a few positive headlines. You’ll notice that they avoid ALL manner of calls for comments on the most difficult of subjects. Offer them the chance to kiss a baby, a ribbon to cut or an opportunity to show their pearly whites and WHOOSH they appear as if by magic, a bit like Mr Benn.

Our national and local representatives, have a keen eye when it comes to positive promotion. They’ll bite your hand off to get in front of the cameras, if the storyline is upbeat. As we move inexorably closer, to perhaps the last “Supply Agreement budget”, we can expect to see more and more cheesy grins across all media sources.

You’d swear that there was an election brewing?

Judging by the amount of local activity, you can see these various party people starting to position themselves, for a shot at City Hall. Despite being dormant for many years, the rumble of thunder in the distance, is calling them to start waking up from months/years of hibernation. Attempting to persuade us that they’ve been active since the last election – mmm? With tight timelines, start expecting to see many a “Call to action”, informing you just how busy they’ve been on your behalf! There’ll be many wanting to convince you that they’ve been delivering spades, despite being the invisible men and women, for some time now.

Nationally, each TD is constantly positioning himself/herself as “The Special One”. The only one who will get the right results for Waterford INC. “I’ll deliver on my manifesto once you elect me to power”, is a common mantra. One that never really delivers.

The truth is, that as Waterford is only a four seat constituency, we’ll never be seen by main stream politics, as an important or vital electoral district. Heavily outnumbered, we’re surrounded by some big hitting five seat wards. There’s the very real possibility, that the main parties are looking to secure a full house in each of these areas. Thus, strengthening their hand and dealing us, at best, a pair.

History informs us, that Waterford will probably return 1,1,1 and 1, at the next General Election. If as is rumoured, there are also single agenda candidates standing, our voice at the top table in Dublin could be further muted. Unless we very quickly find contenders with the genes of a Healy-Rea, our Independents will deliver little more than their own pension!

We appear to have been backed into a corner and seem to have only two options, in getting our voices heard. We either find four Independents, who can work with other political parties, thus holding the balance of power in a hung Government - but there are no guarantees with this. Or we need to elect three people from, two of the main parties, thus directly manipulating, a pro-Waterford Government policy and assuming they are part of the majority party. I would hazard a guess that the likes of Wexford, Kilkenny, Tipperary and Cork would not allow this to happen. After all, it would be like turkeys voting for Christmas.

At the moment, we’re in a very bleak political wilderness. Despite options that could, would and should work. Will you be brave enough to vote the right way? Irish politics relies on the same old, same old. Maybe Waterford needs to buck that trend and mix-up the map that defines our political principles?

Think bigger picture, when asked to make your mark.

Blood, sweat and fears!

Two Saturdays ago, I and many others, took some very deep breaths, swallowed a few brave pills, crossed the border and ventured into County Kilkenny. Black Cat country!

Thankfully, John Paul Phelan has not yet built his “Wall”, but it’s only a matter of time. Forget Brexit’s impact on the movement of free travel across Europe. JPP will have the Diese folks needing visas to cross the River Suir, to access all things North of Ferrybank.

I would guess that over 500 took part in the “Tour De Kilkenny”. Okay, so this was not the Tour De France. It’s not a three week cycling marathon, but a one day event with a choice of four cycling routes. The four circuits were 44km, 77km and 110km long. For the “Big boys and girls” there was a challenging, energy sapping 160km meander. Each specifically tailored to an appropriate cycling ability – which was refreshing to see.

Settling for the 160km route, a handful of others and I, would discover that County Kilkenny was far from flat. In fact there was circa 1900 metres of climbing, in our five hour journey around the black and amber stronghold. We would, through gritted teeth and sweat stinging eyes, see some stunning countryside and beautiful picturesque villages. A touring route that our fiercest rival can be very proud of. The marshalling was top notch. Starting and finishing in Kilkenny Rugby Club, made access, parking and quick egress very easy indeed.

This event will in the next few years, undoubtedly replace our own Sean Kelly Tour Comeragh Challenge. SKT will not return in 2018, after a wonderfully successful run. It’s so regrettable to lose such a big event, for whatever reasons. But we have to make sure we replace this, with an equally big event, or we’ll be left behind. There were participants from Northern Ireland, the North West and all across Ireland, descending on Kilkenny, to take part in this Sportif. Given the void of a large cycling event now existing in County Waterford, they’d adopt Kilkenny for this “Race”.

The success of the Greenway has been astonishing and it will continue to attract, at least in the short term, more and more people to Waterford. However, if we don’t keep polishing this wee jewel, it will lose its sparkle. Would it be too difficult to develop Waterford as a cycling hub? We certainly have the routes and infrastructure, but like all these ideas, we need drivers and enablers to make this happen.

Others, specifically our neighbours, are seeing the success of the Greenway through big green eyes. They want to be part of the cycling revolution that, like it or not, is taking place. Waterford needs to drive on with its competitive advantage and ensure that we, above any other County, make cycling a real money spinner.

Last week, in the medical journal “The Lancet”, a report was published directly linking exercise to better mindfulness. Over one million people took part in the study. We all know that we should be more active. It is now more and more apparent that regular workouts are not only good for the soul, they do wonders for your mind. This is across all age groups and abilities. If we, as a society, are to openly tackle topics such as childhood obesity, adult diabetes and even mental health issues, we need to start somewhere.

I know myself, that I do most of my writing whilst out on my penny farthing, thus exercising my mind. You just cannot help be inspired by the countryside that surrounds you. Also, as I’m not zooming along in the Mini Cooper S, I notice so much more, just by travelling at a slower pace. The sights and sounds that we are lucky enough to experience in this wee corner of Ireland, are undeniably exceptional and very special.

Unfortunately, I fear that if we Waterford Inc, are not brave enough to grasp this nettle, we may well be once again left in the wheel tracks, struggling to catch up. There are opportunities out there, right now and we must liberate those champions to bring home the medals.

Opportunity knocks around every bend.

“Mamma Mia”, I should have gone to bingo!

There are some things which you do in life, that’ll have you wondering “Just why did I do that?” You know those moments. Those persuasive people around you, who get you jump off a high wall onto a pile of snow, only for you to break your arm! Snow, no matter how high it is piled up, gives no guarantee of a soft landing – does it Andrew Meikle?

As young innocent youths, growing up in the village of Pitlessie, we got up to ALL manner of “Silly games!”. The wee village we lived in had around 300 inhabitants. Not a massive population by any stretch of the imagination, but to us it was the centre of the Universe. We went to school together and considering that the local primary had only two or three classrooms, it was impossible not to be close to everyone. I recall that primary 1, 2 and 3 were in one classroom and 4, 5, and 6 in another. The real definition of a village school.

School formed close bonds. This meant that we were a small enough “Band of Brothers”. When one was “Caught with the crows”, we were “ALL shot with the crows”. It was during these early years that we succumbed to peer pressure.

Now that was not all bad. But rolling old tractor tyres down the Cults Hills, towards the A914 main road, was in hindsight a rather bad idea. Especially, when these behemoth, black, uncontrollable masses, managed to somehow climb every mountain and forge every stream. As they rapidly descended towards the cars and vehicles below. Thankfully, not one motorised vehicle was ever damaged during our research!

Picking up the odd, old scrapheap banger, to race around the local farmer’s fields, ensured that we were ready for our driving tests, before we even reached the age of 17. Though, once freed from the shackles of the “Auld L-plates”, lessons were never really maintained. David Jameson’s, yellow, automatic Mark I Vauxhall Cavalier, was not the ideal car, to practice handbrake turns with, in the middle of the football pitch, in the local park. We soon found out, that the drive wheels on an automatic still turned, even when applying the handbrake. This ensured that the car would have a tendency to flip!!! Still, it was fun trying to right the car, in the centre circle, on that Saturday afternoon.

On the occasional hot sunny weekend, we all trooped down to the “Dookie”. A golden sand bank in the middle of the River Eden. Here we would “Safely” swim and frolic. It was the ideal spot to find out just how those birds and bees worked, if you know what I mean?

Collectively, we’d walk the 3 miles in the pitch dark, on the back roads to Ladybank, to go to the disco. Sometimes we’d even go further afield and end up in Kingskettle Bowling Club. These were not Stringfellows or Spearmint Rhino, but to us this was a rite of passage! Your first drink at the bar. Maybe the occasional exchange of fists, with a mad po-going punk. Or even the chance to grab a kiss with one of the lassies.

Then once we had wheels, we’d drive to St.Michael’s Inn or Leven. Fluffed moustaches were order of the day. Then we discovered Bentley’s and Jackie O’s, in Kirkcaldy – home of linoleum and Jocky Wilson, the darts player. Altogether a very different class of lady in this town. We’d come a long way, to get access to the Premier League.

Our lives are so much better when we have experiences to share with others. Good or bad, these memories will live with us forever.

Alas, “Mamma Mia” will be one of those “Bah humbug!” moments for me. Two hours of drivel. Surrounded by millions of the fairer sex, happily clapping, singing, jiggling and giggling along, to out of tune screen icons. I had just one chance to go next door, to watch an impossible mission, but sadly I chickened out at the very last minute. I had NO back-up from the lads, NO wingman, nobody telling me “It will be okay!”

“S.O.S. Fernando!”

No more “Tiers”!

Last week we learned that Waterford and the South East region, is continuing to languish in the third tier of Ireland’s economic recovery. This SE corner is struggling so badly, that there are no signs, in the very near future, of promotional opportunities to elevate us into the higher league. With the continued lack of Government investment and support, you have to ask “Will we ever get the help that other towns, cities and regions receive?”

When the 2018 WIT South East Economic Monitor was made available, were we really, in all honesty, surprised by the findings? Every man and his dog knows, that there’s very little disposable income across the region. Despite the headline grabbing 2040 commitments and our North Quay development, there’s really not much else to get excited about.

Successive years of neglect have come home to roost. It wouldn’t be so bad if we were actually playing catch up. Alas, we are so far adrift from a safe harbour, it beggars belief. It will take much more than one or two PR opportunities, from our media hungry Taoiseach, to put Waterford back on track.

Yes, we’re seeing local success stories such as the Greenway and a repositioning of Waterford’s assets, making them more tourism friendly. This alone will not turn around our fortunes. Our share of international tourists is unproportionately small. There is talk that we need to find another Chuck Feeney personality, with of course Waterford sympathies. No we don’t! We need an Irish Government that distributes this country’s wealth fairly and harmoniously. Of course to do this, you need political representation with big cahones. Something we have been lacking for some time now.

All around the Deise border, rival TDs have been circling their wagons and raiding our banks, quite literally at will. We can’t even seem to co-ordinate the most basic of counter charges. It appears that we are bringing spreadsheets to the gunfight!

You will recall a few years ago, our technological university bid was our gold medal race. We were trying to get our third level institution across the line, allowing us in the SE, to compete with some of the larger educational bodies. Now we are accepting, that our bid will be second or maybe even third, to be awarded the prize. Surprise, surprise Dublin got there before us. They worked quietly away in the background and delivered the championship trophy. The complete lack of university status, has had a massively detrimental impact, on Waterford and the wider region. If possible, families will always aspire to send their kids to university and not an IoT. Universities have seen a 40% growth, compared to 3% in IoTs, over the last 18 years!

The thousands of under 25s leaving the region, has skewed our employment figures. The reality is, that we are still lagging too far behind other areas. Just where are the promised 25,000 jobs, as pledged in the “Action Plan for Jobs”, going to come from by 2020? It’s a fact, that Waterford and the wider SE, is now becoming a low-income-low-wage economy. As people have very reduced disposable incomes, to bolster our very local economy, this is evident across the whole City and County. The VAT returns back this up and show our regions’ low consumer spending trend.

That age old conundrum of IDA support, also shows signs of slowing, according to this report. There is a continued lack of visits and the associated conversion rates are jaw-droppingly low. The IDA tells us that they cannot promote one region over another, as Ireland Inc is their priority. They will also tell us, that they cannot alone be responsible for our economic future. To this extent they are correct.

All too often, I see our readiness to look outwards and blame others. We all have a responsibility to do our bit. That starts with pride in our City and County. This is sadly lacking! You only have to look at the amount of general litter left around our County. This shows how little pride is felt for the place they choose to live and work in and sadly despoil.

“To see oursels as ithers see us!”