It’s a mystery!

I just love BBC television’s production - “University Challenge”. I’ve been a fan for many a year. I’m so old, I can remember Bamber Gascoigne presenting it on ITV. (Completely unrelated to that Sassenach footballer from Newcastle.)

The latest series is currently running on BBC Two, with Jeremy Paxman, the ex-BBC Newsnight inquisitor, in the interrogator’s chair. His hard teak veneer, only very occasionally giving way to uncontrolled bouts of laughter. Often at the expense of the team with a significant, negative points score.

I try my very hardest, every week, to answer some of the myriads of questions asked. If the truth be told, I never seem to manage to get any of the starter questions. My wee brain is just not quick enough, sharp enough or expansive enough, for that matter. Anyway, my all time record so far this season, is a mighty 6 correct questions. Pretty pathetic really! But nevertheless, a score I proudly posted on social media. I was very quickly and rightly trolled.

Watching programmes like “University Challenge”, you soon realise that there are so many extremely intelligent people out there. Just how do these bright young things, squeeze so much grey matter into their BIG noggins’? I’d guess none of them are fans of “Big Brother” or “Love Island”.

Some of the questions being asked by Paxman are just impossible to answer, even if you did have time to cheat and use your smart phone. Yet “Goldman-Sachs” from University College Genius, presses his button before the “Starter for 10” question has even been completed! He answers correctly with “Technetium” and his team then get the chance to answer the three bonus questions. Now I have a chance and some time, to at least engage my brain, without the distraction of 8 brain-boxes trying to buzz-in.

Each week, I immediately switch over to BBC Two, when my Sky box reminds me that the programme is about to start. I’m full of enthusiasm and gusto. Hoping that one, just one of the subjects chosen might relate directly to me. Alas, the last two week’s shows have seen me return “Nil points”. Clearly, I’ll have to look back at my secondary and third level qualification results, to actually confirm if my grades were in fact correct. Sometimes, I don’t even understand the questions being barked out by Paxman!

There’s no mystery as to why these competition quizzers are so intelligent. They undoubtedly work extremely hard at their study. They’ll be natural learners and probably have an innate ability to retain all that they read and research. Their Universities, it could be argued, unrivalled within the UK. Each furnishing four of their brightest, brainiest, brilliant students, as contestants.

This programme is called “University Challenge” for a reason. It is the Victorious University, which is perceived to be the highest seat of learning. The pinnacle, peak, zenith of further education. It is a place to which you aspire to go to. Learning from the very best, in whichever field you choose to study. Be that English, History, Engineering, Astrophysics and so on.

The opportunities are limitless and the choice of outstanding Universities is extensive – unless of course if you live in Waterford!

Last week I took my daughter back to University of Limerick, to complete her fourth and final year. I have no doubt she’ll do extremely well. Achieving good final grades and proceeding, then, to complete a Masters. For the last three years, she has travelled wearily up and down Ireland’s worst trunk route, the N24, to get to her seat of learning.

She, like circa 14,000 others, she loves UL and all that is offers. There’s something about a University Campus that whets your creative juices. It does exactly what is says on the tin and your degree will be so much the better, having attend the “Real Deal!” Just ask Thomas Barr or Mary Lou McDonald or Paul O’Connell.

It’s been a mystery to me, since immigrating to Waterford in 2001, as to why we’re willing to accept anything less than a completely bona fide, University status, for this City. Incomprehensible, unfathomable and inconceivable, are just some words that spring to mind.

Geography Matters!

As my Number One son returns to school for the last year of his secondary education, I started thinking about my own school days at Bell Baxter High, in Cupar, Scotland. From memory, a mixed school of around 1500 pupils and with a catchment area, covering the North East, of the County of Fife. Despite some age related memory lapses, I can still recall some wonderful cherished moments. In particular, meeting new teachers, during my six year progression through this large, co-educational establishment.

It’s scarcely credible, the calibre of those teachers I remembered so warmly. Often individuals who belted me, to their apparently frequent timetable, or those who’d sprung a surprise introduction, on my first day of class.

One such teacher was Mr Brown, aka “Ecky Broon” (Scottish diminutive of Alex), as the kids liked called him. He was my geography teacher, in years 4 and 5. Now Ecky, had a terribly squeaky and pronounced, even Scottish dialect. A whole new vocabulary, to be learnt by his pupils.

Officially I am David Michael George Garland. Dad was also a David and therefore Michael was picked to avoid any confusion. To this day, I can still entertain people as to why Mum insisted on this specific four-barrel combination. Mum and Dad were also teachers, of some note, at schools throughout Fife. My Dad spent several years at Bell Baxter, as a visiting teacher of PE, with strict but fair disciplinary standards. Little did I know that Dad’s corrective persuasion methods, of MY future educators, would contribute to frequent handshakes with a “Lochgelly Heavy”, the lash....if you get my drift?

First day of Geography, for year 4, with Ecky Broon had arrived. Thirty plus pupils, eager to hear just what lay in store, for the next two years. Roll call started in strict alphabetical order, by surname. We got to the Gs and “Garland” was called out. “Here” was my reply. There was a pause. Mr Broon peered over his rimmed spectacles and squeaked, “I knew a PE teacher called Dave Garland, he taught me here, any relation?” I explained the story that my first initial stood for David and the actual PE teacher he referred to, was in fact my Father. There was a brief pause. Mr Broon smiled and simply said “Ah good, now I know. YOUR Father regularly belted me at PE!” There was a collective sharp intake of breath and momentarily, complete silence in the classroom. He didn’t have to say any more. I was a marked man for the next two years.

Despite this, Ecky Broon became a teacher we would all remember fondly. I grew to love Geography and secured excellent qualifications, for both Ordinary and Higher levels.

So it would appear that geography matters? This is certainly the case where politics are concerned. Just look at Theresa May last week. Jet setting around the world, trying with all her might and a great deal of spin, pretending that she is forging trade deals for the post Brexit apocalypse.

Africa was the very latest pit stop. The UK has built approximately 55 billion worth of trade annually, with the huge continent. To put this into perspective, it’s about the very same volume that the UK currently has with Spain! With ALL the will in the world, the mighty land mass that is Africa, will not fill the Brexit void, even if trade levels double. May and her political pack would have people believe that; “Yes, we can fill the hole in a Polo mint!”

Closer to home, we see geography playing its part in our day to day lives. Dublin is booming and this may well overheat our economy – ONCE AGAIN! Cork, Galway and Limerick are also forging ahead. Yet, ALL the other regions are struggling, including the South East.

Our political glitterati are ignoring these troubled areas. They’re adept at burying their heads in the sand. Spinning us that old yarn, that if the capital does well, the whole country will benefit. It would seem that we are Ireland’s Africa? A very small, inconsequential piece of an economic jigsaw.

Our politicians sally up the M9, you have to wonder what they’re bringing back?