“Trick or treat, smell my feet....!”

Now that I have reached the “GOOD” side of 50! I am rapidly become less and less tolerant! Maybe even more grumpy!

In fact Mrs Garland and the rest of the Garland Clan tell me that I am turning into Victor Meldrew. Played by Richard Wilson, another Scot, in the BBC sitcom “One foot in the grave”. I don’t believe it myself, though, I have to admit, I do see some uncanny similarities. Particularly within certain situation, which I experience.

I am pretty sure that Victor would be sickened at the lack of effort and imagination that we witness, when we answer these knocks at the door, at this time of year. “Trick or Treat!” - sadly even these three words are largely missing from this custom. The whole process has become so Americanised, it appears that our children are now simply interested in “Making a fast buck”. They are riding the wave of get in quick, then turn and burn.

The door bell rings and on answering you may very well be greeted by an imaginative costume or two. With barely time to engage in niceties, a bag is pushed forward into your face which you are expected to fill, with all manner of sugary delights. I have also noticed that over the years, these bags have been increasing in size, with kids even carrying multiple bags! Our local retailers are now selling specifically themed buckets, encouraging foraging on a biblical scale. Some so heavy, the kids bring their very own Sherpa with them (normally Mum or Dad), to share this burdensome bounty.

Hundreds of parents are literally putting their backs out, having to haul this treasure trove of calorie laden confectionary, fed to these door knocking children. No doubt physiotherapists and chiropractors are eagerly flexing their hands, in anticipation of spooky appointment requests!

Mrs Garland loves when kids visit. They do come a knocking to chez Garland, in response to our decorated front windows, stating that we are “Open for business!” Our, now antique, plastic pumpkin glows softly in our porch, inviting every vampire, zombie or even a child who just hasn’t bothered, to ring our door bell.

Now in Scotland, before we went “Guising”, we had to somehow carve rock hard turnips, not pumpkins. This in itself, was literally a bloody affair, with many a finger being sliced open or amputated in the process. This of course saved the need to buy red paint! From memory, I cannot recall a scary, purple faced turnip, which did not bear a tinge of crimson red, adorning its facial features. Of course, the left over turnip did not go to waste and was eaten raw or found its way to the dinner plate.

As child after child rings the door bell, Mrs Garland answers. On the other hand, I would wait to hear if there was actually going to be a performance of some kind. If there wasn’t I’d rush out and hand the kids some of my homemade chocolate balls. A secret recipe that very skilfully disguises a Brussel sprout by wrapping it in a wonderful coating of chocolate! This proved so successful, that next year I am considering covering all manner of other vegetables, in a coating of thick milk or white chocolate.

I can only imagine the conversations at home, when the children bite into the chocolate ball, hoping to find a tasty, syrupy, sugary filling. Only to discover that they have actually eaten a sprout. Perhaps Jamie Oliver will be on to me shortly, asking me to roll out this experiment and change the dietary habits of a nation, in the run up to Christmas?

The joy of answering the door to a comically made up child is disappearing with age. Just where ARE all the wonderful songs and jokes we used to hear? The wee jigs and dance routines, which had been rehearsed for weeks, have all but vanished. Unfunny limericks and bashful performers are no more.

It is a sad sorry day, but I am resigned to the fact that I will no longer be entertained by spooky children, visiting our house at the end of October.

“I don’t believe it!” I hear you cry.

Our precious “FREE” time.

"Cycle of Fiends"

Those who have been reading this column, for some months now, will know that I have quite openly come out and I am now officially a MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra). Whilst having my mid life crisis, I could of course have bought a Harley – but alas with number one daughter in University of Limerick, pedal power won out – after all this was the cheaper option for this Scot!

Yes, I have gone completely mad into the sport of cycling – the new golf! I am a member of the Waterford Biscuit Club. I have now become one of those people who one way or another seems to infuriate some of our vehicular brethren.

I have heard and read about cyclist hating drivers who text, emailing and commenting on award winning programmes such as Deise AM, or Saturday Cafe. But why bother?

Readers, who know me more intimately, are aware that I am a self-confessed petrol head. I have raced XR2’s around Knockhill. Owned all manner of interesting cars from a 1964 Mini Cooper S, Triumph Dolomite Sprint, MKII Escort Mexico, Escort Turbo, Astra GTE and so on, right through to my current generation R53 Mini Cooper S – I really have had the whole gamut of boy racer cars and I am still driving one today. Some say I am driving a hairdresser’s car!

Spraoi 2016

Whilst, I do agree that there are some very poor cyclists on our roads, I see proportionately, far more very bad drivers, who still insist on using their mobile phones. I see children not suitably restrained in the front and backs of cars, people who treat a roundabout as a “squareabout”, people who ignore the speed restriction signage and above all I see lots of very angry people in vehicles, who are quite plainly one hoot of their horn away from a serious road rage incident!

Solas Cancer Support Centre

The fact is that everyone who is entitled to use our roadways and laneways should do so with the utmost respect for other road users. Yes, this might even mean, having to lift the occasional hand to say sorry, rather than flicking one or two other digits at an offending road user. Life is far too short to be Mr Angry all the time and to be honest, it does take far more effort and concentration to be the ubiquitous “I don’t believe it!” grumpy, Victor Meldrew, rather than Roger Hargreaves Mr Happy.

Last week I had the pleasure of participating in the De La Salle GAA fundraising sportive cycle, around the scenic roads of County Waterford. I think, there were over 200 people taking part in this “leisure cycle” that inevitably became a very “fast race” the closer we got to the end destination, the GAA complex. The spread that awaited us was worthy of any high-end cafe. The ladies and gents who gave up their own free time to prepare, bake, steward and organise the event must take great credit. I hope that a lot of money was raised by the hordes in Lycra and I know that we pedal-pushers raise literally hundreds of thousands for many worthy local causes.

To volunteer your own FREE time and lose out on precious family moments, for the benefit of others, is by a country mile, the greatest thing you can give. This is something that we in Waterford, or at least the projects that I am involved with, seem to be extremely good at.

Spraoi 2016

Continuing this theme, last week, the Solas Cancer Support Centre (note the name change), launched the “Run & Walk for Life” (I am Chair for 2016), announcing a new suite of services starting in Dungarvan and celebrating the Centre’s 5^th Birthday with over 2,500 clients to date. The majority of the Team in the Centre are volunteers and they were thanked, by me and others, for giving up their own time to benefit clients. It was a very emotional and moving afternoon.

We are a shining light for volunteerism and perhaps we need to shout just a wee bit louder to reinforce this message.

Finally, well done to Spraoi.

Road to ruin for your car or bike!

For those who have been reading this blog for some six months now will know that in the last year I have quite openly come out and I am now a MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra)!

Yes, I have taken up road cycling with the Waterford Biscuit Club and I have somehow now become one of those people on a bike that one way or another seem to infuriate some of our vehicular brethren.

I have read and heard about cyclist hating drivers’ texting, emailing and commenting on programmes such as Deise AM, in recent weeks, and also passing sentencing on cyclist in line with Minister Donohoe’s new fines for us MAMIL’s.

Readers who know me more intimately will know that I am a self-confessed petrol head and I have raced XR2’s around Knockhill and also owned all manner of interesting cars from a 1964 Mini Cooper S, Triumph Dolomite Sprint, MKII Escort Mexico, Escort Turbo, Astra GTE and so on right through to my current generation one Mini Cooper S – I really have had the whole gamut of boy racer cars and some say I am still driving one today (midlife crisis maybe)!

Whilst, I do agree that there are some poor cyclists on our roads I see proportionately far more very bad drivers who still insist on using their mobile phones, I see children not suitably restrained in the front and backs of cars, people who treat a roundabout as a “squareabout”, people who ignore the speed restriction signage and above all I see lots of very angry people in vehicles who are quite plainly one hoot of their horn away from a serious road rage incident!

The fact is that everyone who is entitled to use our roadways and laneways should do so with the utmost respect for other road users. And yes this might mean having to lift the occasional hand to say sorry rather than flicking one or two other digits at an offending road user. Life is far too short to be Mr Angry all the time and to be honest it does take far more effort and concentration to be the ubiquitous “I don’t believe it!” grumpy Mr Victor Meldrew rather than a Mr Happy.

All local road users share the same tarmac or in the case of the roads in Waterford City I would imagine we share some of the worst road surfaces in the whole of Ireland!

I travel in and out to the City Centre on most days of the week in my wee Mini Cooper S and due to the hard suspension and low profile tyres I feel every bump and hole in the patch work quilt that we now call the Dunmore Road. Yes, I understand that the roadwork’s are a necessity and that at some time in the very far, far future the surface will allegedly be remedied but we all know that the surface will NEVER be returned to resemble what is was prior to the road works starting. We will end up with a rubbish surface that needs and demands constant future attention and expensive Council resources.

However, I did not quite realise just how bad the Dunmore Road surface had become until I had the misfortune of cycling up it last Sunday with fellow Biscuit Ian. I would describe the experience similar to hiking in the Alps or Munro bagging in Scotland. To justify the surface as a “road surface” is to say the very least stretching the boundaries of the definition of both of these words. To make matters worse I have recently upgraded my “shite bike” and now ride a thoroughbred steed and naturally enough I wish to look after this bike and I believe that sometimes the road surfaces around the City must be damaging my bike, my car and me!

 

From the People’s Park to Ardkeen roundabout is patchwork quilt of varying surface materials, lots of very big lumps and some huge bumps, sharp edges that will tear at tyres and alloy wheels, gravel and loose material that has simply been swept into the cycle lane, drain and form edges that stand proud of the road and a whole myriad of other issues that should be of concern to every vehicular and cycle users alike.

I cannot for one minute accept that what we are currently being asked to navigate on is tolerable to any road users and you have to wonder if the people in charge of this engineering catastrophe actually use this road for their daily commute. And as for the radio adverts asking people to find alternative route well I am sorry but this is Waterford and not London and there are NO alternative routes especially when school term time is upon us and the airing of these advert seems to be a simple box ticking statutory exercise.

Also, remember that this road is THE gateway to our coastal villages and sandy beaches and in many respects our shop window to and from the City. This is one of the main arteries that feeds our City and brings commerce into and out of the City Centre. The Dunmore Road is also the main access route that cuts a swath right through the City Centre to access all parts north, northwest and east of Waterford City.

During these summer months and weeks just how many visitors, tourists or cruiser liner visitors will travel this route in and out of our City Centre and wonder if they are in fact travelling on some sort of third-world dirt track road when they should be one of the smoothest surfaces available to vehicular traffic?

This the wrong impression we will be giving the very people who we need to come to Waterford to spend their money directly into our local economy? As we are lagging so far behind other tourism destinations do we not have to be ahead of the game and constantly be better than our competitors.

If we are collectively promoting a positive message around our wonder coastline, our heritage, our culture and so on, the very least we can do is ensure that the roads that people need to travel on to access these attractions needs to be up to par and unfortunately they are not.

Is it acceptable that at the height of our tourist season we are willing to accept the “Boys from the Blackstuff” finish? Albeit a temporary finish, we are told, but as temporary finishes go this has to be atrocious, appalling, inexcusable and is it in fact an intolerable surface for any of us to use?

As our shop window to the City and the County the Dunmore Road is at the moment the worst window display you will ever see and we have to ask just what are we saying about our City if we find this surface appropriate?

I have a feeling that just as Minister Donohoe’s new cycling fines will see lots of Lance Armstrong’s now living in the City the Dunmore Road will remain a navigational nightmare until such times as the whole road is resurfaced perfectly.

We really have such a long way to go to get the simplest of things right.